Trash Talk Fridays: Fire at Whitecaps FC

It's hard to make fun of a place where medical bills won't bankrupt you. (photo: whitecapsfc.com)

It’s hard to make fun of a place where medical bills won’t bankrupt you. (photo: whitecapsfc.com)

This Sunday, the Fire travel to yet another place that’s part of the stupidest separatist movement in the world, except these people aren’t even a part of our country. Shall we bring them freedom? OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz explains why that’s not such a good idea…

If you’re anything like me (and you should definitely look into being MORE like me because I’m pretty great), then you’re a picker.

This means that whether it’s a pimple, a hangnail, or basically anything out-of-place, if it’s on my body you can bet your Don Garber I will pick the ever-loving shit out of that thing.

Over the years, this habit has produced a lot of mixed results.

First of all, it drives my girlfriend absolutely nuts. Secondly, it has produced some scarring here and there. Most of all though, my constant obsession with picking at my body has yielded me the ability to eviscerate any pimple.

But I’m not just talking about being effective at squeezing your run-of-the-mill pimples. Hell, even Don Garber can do that. What I’m talking about is getting at pimples in the most theatric, glorious, and impressive way possible.

Why simply pop a Whitecap head when you can pretty much milk it until that bulbous puss-filled sucker is ready to burst into a milky-white crescendo of bodily fluids all over the bathroom?

Am I right?

It is my honor then, nay, my privilege, to use the hallowed art of writing on what is usually a soccer blog to impart unto you my tactics and strategies for popping a Whitecap head with…drum roll please…this: 

On The Fire’s Guide to Popping a Whitecap Head***

Once you find a Whitecaphead that you think you might be interested in popping, the first step you’ll want to take is to “fatten up” the Whitecaphead.

As I mentioned earlier, this type of  Whitecaphead popping isn’t for children. This is a high concept art, make-this-fucker-pop-into-the-stratosphere type of activity we’re doing here, okay? So tell junior to go to his room.

Anyway, I find that a turkey baster, or any sort of brush, is particularly excellent for achieving the nice, even, and thick coat of lard and grease you’ll want to put over the affected area. Local butchers are an excellent source of grease and lard, and they’ll usually sell it to you for a wholesale sum that will not only save you money now, but for future expenses too!

Once you have carefully applied a couple of coats of grease and lard over the Whitecaphead of your choice, you’ll want to let it sit for at least six hours. This will allow all the pores surrounding the Whitecaphead to absorb and engorge themselves on the fatty residues of your mixture, thereby tripling, sometimes even quadrupling, the size of the Whitecaphead.

Your next step is to sterilize the area THOROUGHLY. Remember, a Whitecaphead is a dirty-ass infection polluting your body! As a result, what you’ll eventually squeeze out isn’t particularly sanitary, or hygienic. I usually use about a cup or more of isopropyl rubbing alcohol. Then, using the wondrous power of suction, I place the brim-filled cup over the infected area and let it marinate overnight.

This method will achieve several things.

First, the disgusting aforementioned Whitecaphead will be deprived of all its nutrients and growth, thereby curbing its all-but-certain takeover and transformation of your body into a giant walking sack of puss. More importantly, the corrosive elements of the alcohol will wear down the dermal layer of your skin to such a thin strip that the lightest of touches will instantly pierce the wall and produce a deluge of grease, puss, and oils.

NOTE: I can’t emphasize enough the importance of NOT TOUCHING the Whitecaphead at this crucial time! The amount of couches, bed sheets, blankets, and suits I’ve ruined is far and above what I care to admit, so save yourself some money and DO NOT TOUCH the Whitecaphead.

The last step is of course the most important one. Here is where all of your hard work will finally come to a head (heh), and the sagging sack of excrement hanging on your body will explode outward in a glimmering oily shower of wonder.

What you’ll need is FIRE.

Any Fire will do really, though the more concentrated and accurate the flame, the better your results will be. Some of the more daring experts prefer to use full-on industrial blowtorches. However, I recommend beginners stay away from such dangerous apparatuses, and instead use a small, household sized blowtorch. You know, the kind you’d use on a crème brûlée.

By carefully applying heat to the affected Whitecaphead, you’ll slowly start to boil and expand the gases and oils inside the Whitecaphead. Then, much like Sigourney Weaver at the end of Aliens — when she uses the flamethrower ducktaped to the plasma rifle to burn all the Queen’s eggs — you’ll slowly start to build up the pressure inside that disgusting sack of grease before… POP!

Feel free to set the mood beforehand as well.

On my birthday, I’ll build a small model town of the city of Columbus, and then pretend like I’m some giant monster that explodes grease balls all over town while music plays in the background.

The 1812 Overture is my personal favorite. Why? Because it has fucking CANNONS written into the score, so I usually like to get about 10 Whitecapheads going and then explode them in tune with the music.

Tip for the lazy: Skip to 2:32 for the good part…

GO FIRE!

***Ricardo Ortiz is not a licensed doctor in any province, municipality, nation, state, or country in the world. So if you really need him to tell you to not try this at home, you’re dumb. Follow Sr. Ortiz @RickHardTimes

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