Trash Talk Fridays: Fire vs. Timbers

Home of the stupidest independence movement ever. (photo: jeld-wenfield.com/)

Home of the stupidest independence movement ever. (photo: jeld-wenfield.com/)

On Saturday the Fire host some hipsters from a place that’s only famous because it has some skate park. OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz continues his American safari and gives you the low-down down-low…



In the dizzying miasma of tepid affection and cool passive aggression we call social relations, there have always been particular groups of people who are found to be particularly distasteful. Whether real or imagined, there will always be a segment of humanity at large we find so particularly offensive to our sensibilities that we recoil in disgusted cosmic terror at even the faintest of reminders of them. The inhabitants of the city of Portland are such people.

This may be confusing at first.

I mean, I don’t think most people readily associate Portland or its inhabitants as the type of people that evoke so much boiling hate and retched feelings of sickness within the self that they make me dry heave on the bus on the way to work at the accidental thought of them. In fact, the hate of the people of Portland is not even rooted in any of the traditional characteristics for hate, such as: lack of hygiene, excessive flatulence, unrequited advances, staring, or kindness to strangers. Rather, this group of people who inhabits a place known as Portland are hated because they simply try too hard.

That’s right “Portlanders” you’re just a bunch of fucking try-hards.

I mean, for me, it really begins with whoever painted that sign that says “Keep Portland Weird.” You really have to be living in a very special place of self-love and pat-yourself-on-the-back-edness to think that writing a statement like that has some sort of merit. What does it even mean? Keep it weird how? To what end, and for what purpose? Is this your way of sticking it to the man?

As a former resident of Minneapolis, let me tell you, you write something like that and next thing you know you’re invaded by “boutiques,” “craft” coffee shops, and an ever-increasing number of “Hybrid SUVs” (there’s another meaningless term for you). Is that what it is? The corporatization of “weird?” Which, I suppose, just proves my point.

Then of course, there’s the Timbers Army. Whoop-dee-doo! Another celebration of a cause no one cares about. I mean Cascadia? Yeah guys, maybe in 1866.

I mean, as much as I constantly advocate for the annexation of Northern Indiana and Southern Wisconsin, you don’t see me making a cutesy-popular little cup about it and getting all effectively organized and shit about it. Also, who even cares about filling their stadium, you know?

I mean, just look at the Blackhawks here in Chicago. You think they’re happier now than they were five years ago? Yeah, didn’t think so. Now it’s Wrigleyville 2.0 down there and the whole thing is going down the tubes.

My point is, Portland, you guys try too hard and no one is impressed. Sure, you’re popular. Sure, you’ve got an effective supporters group.

I mean, those are nice things and all, but who really gives a shit when you look like a fool doing it.

Take a page from me Portlanders: You look a lot better when it looks like you’re not even trying. In fact, you look a lot better when you don’t try at all!

Hell, just look at this article you’re reading right now. It lets other non-cool people know “Hey! I don’t care bro. I don’t need your approval!”

Lastly, don’t even get me started on this: http://www.portlandtimbers.com/news/2013/05/how-portland-timbers-made-cancer-stricken-8-year-olds-wish-come-true

Shut up! I’m not crying!

You are!

On a serious note, you should probably donate to that if you can.

OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz really, REALLY craves your approval. You can shout at him @RickHardTimes

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