Trash Talk Fridays: Fire at Real Salt Lake
This weekend, the Fire visit a Salty team in a Sandy place. OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz gives you a little taste of that and a glimpse into the inner workings of a very secretive institution…
This week I’ve decided to give you sheeple a special treat and offer you insight into the inner workings of the world’s one and only Major League Soccer column dedicated to heaping nothing but contempt and ire upon Chicago Fire’s opponents: Trash Talk Fridays.
As some of you may be aware, behind every TTF piece there is a large, very large, dedicated team of filthy experts working tirelessly day and night to bring you only the freshest MLS trash talk, week in and week out.
OTF’s American Midwest Institute for the Advanced Study of Scatology, or AMIASS for short, is where we house all of our “great ideas people.” Here, through carefully applied cattle prod coercion regimes, and a meager diet consisting of soupy oatmeal and fiber intensive cereal, our crack team of scientists is constantly experimenting with only the newest and most original trash talk formulas.
So while you may think it looks easy, the reality, in fact, is that it’s incredibly challenging to deliver effective, gut-punching, balls-to-the-wall, garbagologically-minded discourse that strives to the level of creative affinity for which Trash Talk Fridays is known for. Because real humans work at AMIASS, our biggest challenge is the constant threat of lazy stagnant trash talk that is always looming around the corner, waiting to slip from lazy tongues.
It’s easy to know when a trash talk column has gone downhill: It’s when it starts grasping for the most trite, unoriginal, totally expected types of insults imaginable.
Considering this fact, loyal readers of Trash Talk Fridays know that it is here where we stand tall above the rest. In fact, just look at our record:
We could’ve poked fun at Kansas for being a backwater state that permeates a deadly kind of dizzying stupor that renders even the brightest minds to wet matches in dark caves. We could’ve done that, but we didn’t. Instead, we made fun of their moms.
And take New York for example. Instead of launching into a diatribe about a city known to be both a cesspool of filth and the source of all the world’s financial woes, or offering an exposé on its soccer club (the real one) that resides in a toxic New Jersey industrial wasteland that even the EPA won’t go near (ever notice the ushers at Red Bull Arena have six fingers?), we gave you a first-hand, inside look at North Korea’s hatred for the Pink Cows and commensurate love for Chicago Fire.
Similarly this week, we could make a million Mormon jokes about Real Salt Lake, but we won’t. And we won’t for several reasons:
First of all, the article would then pretty much write itself. Just like a young man or woman at his/her first frat/sorority party, or a 70-year-old man open to a polygamist relationship, our possibilities would be nigh limitless if we wanted to reduce ourselves to the laziest type of insults. I mean, talk about a turkey shoot! Am I right?
Or, I suppose it would be more akin to whatever the opposite of a sausage fest with walls around it is.
A 10% tithe of shame would not even begin to cover how dirty I would feel at publishing such a base, non-exciting article as one entirely focused on lame fundamentalist Mormon jokes.
Seriously guys, much like the genes of the Real Salt Lake supporters known as The Loyalists, the jokes would be impossible to tell apart from one another, and frankly, I won’t stand for it. This is because you the reader, and the fans at large, deserve better. You deserve trash talk of a different kind.
Just because you happen to have absolutely no other choice from where you receive your pro Chicago Fire Trash Talk, this doesn’t mean you should settle for the equivalent of a fat sagging bald man who already has 30 kids and 5 wives, like most of the Real Salt Lake fan base may or may not already have.
I mean, how many Mormon jokes is too many? I’d also ask the same question about wives. Mitt Romney?
So I apologize for not having a Trash Talk Friday piece this week, but we (I) just couldn’t do it without selling our (my) soul(s) to the devil of the passé and the expected.
OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz is the unofficial philosopher and firebrand preacher of the Chicago Word. Follow him @RickHardTimes