Trash Talk Fridays: Fire vs. Columbus Crew

While the rest of the league is taking itself seriously, this is what the Columbus badge still looks like. (image: nbcsportsprosoccertalk.com)

While the rest of the league is taking itself seriously, this is what the Columbus badge still looks like. (image: nbcsportsprosoccertalk.com)

This weekend, Chicago Fire hosts the Yellow Bellies. OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz prepares you for the forthcoming invasion of fans from Cow Town…

Module 69

On The Fire’s Guide to the Upcoming Ohio Yellow Belly Encounter

In this module, we will examine the ways in which you, a Chicago Fire Fan, can successfully navigate this weekend’s encounter with the parasitic Columbus natives that will temporarily blight our beautiful city. To prepare, you need to understand these encounters may at times be confusing, or even scary, but you as a Fire supporter are already adequately endowed with the necessary skills to effectively deal with anything the Yellow Bellies may dish your way.

Always remember, your particular fandom is not determined by culture, or even geography. Rather, unchangeable genetic formulations within the human genome means you were born to be a Fire supporter, thus you are naturally better than anyone else.

First, we will discuss tips on how to quickly and efficiently identify any Ohioan fungus, including different classification methods and techniques. Second, we will discuss conflict instigation and effective trash talk techniques, including the Pilsen Pounder and the Uptown Burn. Lastly, this module will address the apocalyptic aftermath and effective post-game name-calling and humiliation techniques.

Classification

In its annual colloquium, the Chicago Fire mycological society identified up to fifty unique but equally formidable variations of the scar upon humanity that are C-bus fans. Here, we will discuss the two most prevalent strands that you, the Chicago fan, are most likely to encounter this weekend at Toyota Park: the Columbus Swaggerer and the Ohio Wagon Rider.

Columbus Swaggerer

The Columbus Swaggerer can be easily identified by the particular behavior from which it derives its namesake – its swagger. As of now, it is unknown whether this swagger is caused by a perpetual state of disbelief, sadness, and revolting disgust at the fandom with which it has been cursed, or the dizzying confusion at being removed from the cesspool that is Columbus, Ohio.

What is known, however, is these lumbering beasts will wreak havoc and destruction wherever they go, and are able to power up their swagger by consuming more and more alcohol.

Pro-tip: Remember, a Chicago Fire Fan can ALWAYS out-drink any C-Bus supporter. Do not be afraid to establish your alpha dominance by challenging any of them to a drinking contest.

Ohio Wagon Rider

Where the Columbus Swaggerer goes, the Ohio Wagon Rider will surely follow. Much like the parasitic relationship between a wart and the upper-dermal layer of skin, or plague and oral gum tissue, the Ohio Wagon Rider infects and grows within the layers of fandom across the Columbian wastelands.

It is important to note that the Ohio Wagon Rider cannot exist without the direct input and assistance of the Columbus Swaggerer, as the Ohio Wagon Rider cannot express himself in terms that are either original, or even knowledgeable about the team he claims to support.

It should also be noted that both of these species share similar characteristics. This makes identification particularly easy, as Yellow Bellies will proudly dress in bright yellow clothing, which is meant as a proud display of their meek affinity for cowardice.

Through various ethnographic studies, Chicago Fire cultural anthropologists have gathered strong evidence that suggests frailty and large displays of cravenness are not only encouraged, but viewed with great approval in the barren no man’s land that is Columbus, Ohio.

Let’s try an example. In the following prompt, you will be asked to identify which of the subjects in the story best fits the description of these two variations.

Pro tip: Don’t be afraid to really put on the prejudice glasses and rely upon your inherent hate and distrust for these types of people. Choose wisely!

Donny has just arrived at the tailgate outside of Toyota Park. He has dutifully brought with him a six-pack of a local IPA beer, and is sporting his newly acquired Austin Berry shirt. At the tailgate, he notices some people he has never seen before. Upon closer inspection, Donny immediately notices a couple of things about them. They appear to be dressed in regular street clothes, but he notices that two of them are wearing yellow and black scarves. Stepping closer, he overhears part of their conversation: “Oh my god you guys! Chicago is going to be so much fun while we’re in town! We should totally go to a Cubs game and drink Bud Light at a bar! Soccer is boring! I dislike the Fire!”

Are these people…

A)    Ohio Wagon Riders

B)    Gastronomic enthusiasts

C)    Sporting KC fans

D)    Democrats

If you chose A, you are correct.

Obviously, the yellow garbs are an immediate giveaway, as they clearly signify an affinity for poltroonery, and probably jaundice as well. The casual attitude to a naturally hostile environment and the willingness to consume disgusting and harmful liquids also serves as strong evidence to back up their classification as Ohio Wagon Riders. However, if you chose C, you would have been right as well.

Conflict Instigation and Effective Trash Talk Techniques

We’ve discussed the best techniques for identifying C-bus supporters. Now we will discuss what to do should you come into direct contact with one of them.

Here, we will apply two proven techniques developed at OTF Labs, Inc. Extensive and invasive research conducted during live human trials led to their discovery. Both of the techniques can be easily remembered via their acronyms C.A.W. and C.R.A.P.

C.A.W. or “Columbus is Always Worse” should be the main weapon in your anti-Columbus arsenal.

C.R.A.P. or “Chicago Rules, Ohio Phucker” has also been proven as an effective anti-Ohio mnemonic device.

Let’s take a look at these two techniques in action:

Justine is in the middle of a righteous Malort-induced brownout when she spots three lumbering Columbus Swaggerers making their way towards her. She is able to immediately identify them by their yellow garb and erratic walking patterns. One of them spots her and calls out, “Hey you! On how many hands can you count the number of goals Chicago has scored?!”

Should Justine…

A)    Chuckle politely and embrace the lighthearted ribbing brought on by friendly rivals?

B)    Turn the other cheek and continue on her way?

C)    Take another swig, stick out her middle finger, and loudly proclaim Chicago’s dominance while humiliating Columbus residents by C.R.A.P.-ing on them?

D)    Moon them?

If you chose C, you are correct.

Justine did well to remember her C.R.A.P. and established dominance in her inebriated state by leading off with a solid middle finger right in their faces. Secondly, she did well by speaking loudly so she could be heard, and countered with a positive, aggressive comment. Well done Justine!

Remember, using C.R.A.P against C-Bus parasites is more of an art form than a set standard for behavior, so be sure to practice. Then, one day you’ll be as good as Justine!

D is also a good alternative. However, it should only be attempted by qualified professionals.

Let’s look at another example:

Donny has now finished his twelve-pack of IPAs by himself and is waiting in line for the bathroom. Suddenly, he spots the C-bus supporters making fun of the sacred Fire chants: “Did you notice they only say one word over and over and over again? Those chants are really lame.”

Should Donny…

A)    Ignore the comment and focus on getting to the bathroom before he soils himself.

B)    Yell loudly, “Well at least I don’t live in fucking Columbus!” while high-fiving people around him.

C)    Moon them.

D)    Join in on the good-natured ribbing between friendly rivals.

If you chose B, you are correct. 

Here, Donny did an excellent job of applying C.A.W. to the situation.

Remember, no matter what the scenario, Columbus will ALWAYS be worse. Not only is this insult highly effective in its originality and creativity, it is also shown to be effective 96% of the time in turning the proto-human brain of a Yellow Belly into warm gelatin.

C, however, is also a good alternative and more daring supporters may choose to combine B and C for more power.

Conclusion

Last word of advice: remember to always backup your own supporters!

No matter what the situation, or the outcome, always be ready with high-fives and plenty of whooping and yelling. More experienced supporters know to always carry a list of local burn centers, which they may freely hand out to any Ohioan after he gets his ass handed to him after an epic “yo mamma so fat” competition.

You may find the list here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States

So Fire fans, remember to always C.A.W. and do plenty of C.R.A.P. on Saturday!

OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz is the unofficial philosopher and firebrand preacher of the Chicago Word. Follow him @RickHardTimes

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