Trash Talk Fridays: Fire vs. Sporting KC
The Men in Red play in Kansas on Saturday. Join OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz as he serves up some impartial, non-anecdotal, analytic trash.
Here at OTF, and especially here within the new, fantastically fluffy institution that is “Trash Talk Fridays,” we want to take a moment to commend ourselves for rising above petty indecency and for always taking the high road while providing insightful, serious, fact-based trash talk about our opponents. We take pride in never reducing ourselves to the indecent mudslinging language of speculative personal attacks that have become so commonplace on today’s interwebs. You have my personal guarantee that the opinions presented herein will be the most accurate, centered, and totally non-hyperbolic trash talk on offer during “rivalry week” in the entire MLS-verse.
So, with this in mind we turn our attention to what is without a doubt the most exhaustively boring team in the entire league: Sporting Club Kansas City.
Before we begin though, let’s pose a bit of a challenge to keep this whole endeavor from becoming too mundane. Allow me to introduce this special edition of…
Hardcore Trash Talk Friday: Challenge Kansas Edition!
Henceforth, our challenge is to not once mention, or make reference to, the following words or phrases during this week’s edition of OTF’s trash talk dose of goodness:
flyover state, boonies, the sticks, mudfuck-middle-of-nowhere, manure land, flatland, hick, hicksville, hicklandia, hicktopia, cows, corn, cornfields, corn-dildos, hick-o-crazy, Brown vs. Board of Education, hick-street, hick-city, Dorothy, Toto, Ma and Pa, any Oz reference, American Gothic, hick-giggity, shocker, shockers, shock-top, rednecks, redneckery, mobile homes, tornados, hee-haw, hick-haw, hick-o-matic, wheat, wheatfields, Wheaties, Twister, desolate wasteland, landlocked, hell, landlocked hell, the dust bowl, the prison industrial complex, fancy-town-hick-paradise, agoraphobia, Kansas City is not a city, farmers, steroids, or Lance Armstrong.
In fact, I really only want to talk about one thing this time around: Soccer moms. Seriously Kansas, you’re packed full of them! Not just in your streets, but in your parking lots, your seats, your overpasses, ditches, and easements. The whole state is practically overflowing with middle-aged women in the prime of their momdom, mommying around in their mom vans. Last season, when I rolled across the prairie to DopeStrong Park, not only did SKC not let us bring our awesome flag waving display, but it surrounded us with the had-one-too-many-daiquiri infused PG-13 heckles of 18,000 moms.
Kansas mommies, if you recall, here’s a sampling of your handiwork from last season:
- Chicago sucks! (oooooh.)
- Go back to Chicago! (gasp!)
- Fire sucks! (too personal)
- Shut up, you’re being too loud! ( 😥 )
- You’re all drunk! (stop it please)
- Do you guys ever shut up!? (oh the pain)
KC mamas, rabid fanaticism doesn’t even come close to describing the constant, sheer intensity with which you hurled your tepid vitriol at us for over 90 minutes.
Seriously, I swear I even saw some kid playing his marching band trombone, adding even more fuel to the great cacophony of mild insults and passive aggressive looks that embedded themselves like barbs on my psyche. This eventually built up to such a wild drunken frenzy that I feared enough for my life to go to the bathroom, buy a pizza and beer, and chat up one of the security guards about his day.
So to our brave sons and daughters from Fire Nation who will travel the long, boring road west to
Livestrong Park in support of our Dear Leader Frank Klopas and the Gloriously Eternal Chicago Fire, I say to you all: resist the temptation to stoop to the level of KC mom-savagery. Instead, confront these fiends with the lucid sobriety and mature level-headedness that Chicago Fire fans are renowned for.
Go Fire go!
OTF contributing writer Ricardo Ortiz is the unofficial philosopher and firebrand preacher of the Chicago Word. Follow him @RickHardTimes