Trash Talk Fridays: Fire vs. New England Revs
With the advent of Saturday’s match against New England, OTF political historian and contributing writer Ricardo Ortiz provides you with fair, balanced, tongue-in-cheek trash talk to mitigate Fire Nation’s collective LA hangover…
First, let’s get a couple of things out of the way. We can be sure of the following when these elitist communists from out east come to our wondrous city with their haughty “Harvardese” and unintelligible dialects:
- They’re sure to bring with them two hundred years of liberal bleeding heart nanny-state attitudes with which they most likely hope to nag us into joining their northeast commie block.
- Their end goal is to inevitably drive us into a dark future where local politburo commissars force us to listen to uninterrupted NPR fund drive programming, of which the result can only be veganism, fixed gear bikes, and a weird obsession with bangs.
Seriously though, for a fitting and completely relevant metaphor we only need look at the thing these easterners deign to call a field, a blight on the game that we real Americans struggle to even call a “pitch.”
Much like Lenin advocated a vanguard party to artificially foster class consciousness in urban Russia after the October Revolution (to ultimately consolidate power in his politburo away from the Mensheviks) so too is the Gillette Stadium astroturf a fitting metaphor to the artificiality and disconnect from true patriotic soccer that these “New Englanders” claim to practice.
Also, look at their name: New England Revolution. This, much like the French Communist party’s stance during the 1954 Algerian war for independence that explicitly denounced the Algerian struggle (and actually advocated for French Imperialism per their policy of Scientific Marxism) correlates strongly with the fact that the name Revolution, besides having obvious Communist overtones, can only mean bad things for all of us if left unchecked.
So I ask you fellow Chicagoans, I implore you. Do we just sit back and willingly invite this evil into our beautiful stadium, a vaunted hall of American soccer hallowed for its family friendly G-rated halftime show entertainment? Or do we take a stand?
Just take a look upon our fair city. It is without a doubt the crown jewel of industrious American capitalism and a shining example of everything that is right and true in this land of the free. Here, bright “egalitarian” capitalists and their complacent, submissive workers have always lived in perfect harmony amid the towering monoliths of concentrated wealth and overt exploitation. Indeed, one may harken back to the days glorified by Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle to catch a glimpse of our city’s rock solid foundations, built upon a strangely glorified and weirdly moral concept such as the work ethic.
So this Saturday, I call upon all of us to unite as one. Let us bind together and find inspiration in the always unified, never segregated spirit of our beautiful city. My fellow Chicagoans, open yourselves to the inspiring phantasms of long gone heroes like Allan Pinkerton, who famously stood up against pinko union thugs and their disgustingly selfish struggle for the eight-hour work day and basic workplace safety regulations.
So stand together on Saturday night you brave souls and fight for the things that make this city great! Stand together for rampant power abuses! Stand together for political centralization and corruption! Stand together for jingoism! These eastern liberals have already deposed one king in their so-called “revolution,” don’t let them depose the greatest king of them all: the Chicago Fire (and America too)!
Go forth my sons and daughters, go forth. And do it for the soccer!
P.S. – Paul Revere was a snitch.
OTF contributing writer Ricardo Ortiz is the unofficial philosopher and firebrand preacher of the Chicago Word. Follow him @RickHardTimes