Fire Men in the Tweetosphere #4

Back by popular demand, it’s Chicago Fire team writer and media heartthrob Jeff Crandall’s favorite tweet treat…

But before we get on with Fire Nation’s fave diversion, On The Fire is pleased to announce that “Fire Men in the Tweetosphere” will soon be available in print form before home matches at Toyota Park! Really.

Recently, executives at Matchbook Zine entered into a strategic partnership with On The Fire HQ to bring this laugh riot to the Toyota Park north parking lot on a semi-regular basis! WARNING: be careful not to spew beer all over your Zine when you can’t help yourself from guffawing – especially if it’s a color edition.

So, starting this Saturday, don’t EVER forget to pick up your copy of the finest Chicago Fire print publication known to mankind: MatchBook Zine. And while you’re at it, throw the boys a buck or two okay? Like us, they work hard for no money.

P.S.: read to the end to unlock this week’s bonus feature…


What have your favorite Fire social media starlets been up to lately? On The Fire‘s interwebs paparazzi have you covered…


On The Fire‘s adoration of #3 Dan Gargan knows no bounds. After rocking the Boss in the locker room, Dan marveled at the quality of Toronto FC’s training facility. Shortly thereafter, he celebrated the news that a mural of hip-hop legends The Roots will be put up in their (and his) native Philly. A gentleman, Mr. Gargan supports Chicago’s teachers. And like any esteemed renaissance man would do, Dan quoted the great Western philosopher known as Dr. Seuss for match day inspiration. Hallow thy Kraken!


Atlanta Falcons fan and member of the MLS top 24 under 24, #25 Sean Johnson is quite the gourmand! SeanJ loves good sushi and has hit the Chicago tapas scene with a vengeance! A lover of crisp fall weather, these days SeanJ enjoys his bacon-wrapped dates with goat cheese on a nice outdoor terrace.


#7 Sherjill MacDonald, the gentleman and scholar he is, continued his fine tradition of re-tweeting On The Fire. But our mighty Dutchman didn’t stop there. Of all the Fire Men in the Tweetosphere, Sir Mackie is perhaps the most generous re-tweeter of other fans’ tweets as well! Plus, Sherjill never hesitates to honor fans’ autograph and photo requests. His graciousness extends to his teammates too. For example, Mac sent Corben Bone an earnest happy birthday tweet! Finally, in a sign of deep adulation and respect, serial tweeter and fan (not) of this series young Tony Walls nicknamed Sherjill “big homie”. Inderdaad!


#4 Alvaro Fernandez once again used his opposable thumbs to glorify La Celeste (the Uruguayan national team) during World Cup qualifying competition last week. But of all places, what was he doing in Downers Grove during the match? Inquiring minds want to know! After celebrating the TFC win, El Flaco went back to training and followed that up with a visit to his amada. Sorry ladies.

Later in the week, Alvaro went for a beautiful stroll in Chitown with somebody’s grandmother, enjoyed some fine South American fare at Southport’s Tango Sur, and capped it all off with a viewing of Real Madrid and Manchester City battling it out in the Champions League. Una vida hermosa!


On The Fire wonders if #20 Tony Walls would tweet less if he played more. But who are we to judge? The other day, Jeff Crandall accused On The Fire of surpassing TWalls in terms of Twitter prowess.


Anyway, what’s our former child model been up to lately you ask? Well, aside from dogging Chicago’s teachers and not understanding why fans sometimes boo their own team, young Tony stood in awe of Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic’s 450 minutes of work in the U.S. Open final. Now, for those of you who might find Walls’s criticism of Chicago’s dedicated, hardworking teachers disagreeable, worry not – he loves puppies!

After admiring @PaladiniXI’s new suit on match day, Walls came up with his best and most admirable quote of the week: “Shoutout [to] my teammate Alex, man dat dude is nice!” On The Fire couldn’t agree more. Tony believes that his love of classical music is “random”, refuses to “slow his roll”, and munched at Panera before plying his trade during the Fire reserves’ 2-1 victory over FC Dallas’s reserves. Nice job kid. Keep it real son.


#70 Paolo Tornaghi enjoyed his ferry ride to the airport after the Fire bagged three points in Toronto. Meraviglioso!


Philadelphia Eagles fan (and now @smangat12’s favorite Fire Man) #8 Dominic Oduro quipped that the football coaches at Penn State can no longer utter the words “touchdown” or “balls”. He heard it on the radio. 

Sage Dom also has an answer to the age-old causality dilemma “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” “Read the Bible on creation,” said the Dommer. Right. Will do.


#11 Daniel Paladini took to kindly sharing his Twitter account with Fire Nation’s favorite German, Herr Arne Friedrich. Thank you Daniel! On The Fire eagerly awaits the day when we will be able to share, interpret, and perhaps translate Arne’s tweets. Until then, good one on ya sir!

Always the team player, Paladini took to the interwebs to root his teammates on while he nursed a calf injury at home this past week. Daniel also appeared on Chicago Tribune Live and lamented having to wear make-up. Attention TV producers: @PaladiniXI is a handsome bloke. No artificial enhancer needed. Right ladies? And to round off his week, Daniel pre-ordered an iPhone 5 and hit Wrigley with his bud Ze German. Ausgezeichnet!!!


#99 Hunter Jumper is approaching Tony Walls-like levels of Twitter prolificity. YESSSS. Hunter is a fan of dark comedy, as he professed to “live vicariously through the Sons of Anarchy.” That’s pretty cool I guess. What is perhaps even cooler is Jumper’s love of fellow Texan Clint Dempsey’s rap video. Kid’s got a sense of humor to go along with that handsome mug. Nice.

Fantasy-wise, it wasn’t a good week for Hunter’s other football team. But hey, that’s what you get when you start Packer James Jones at wide receiver. Hey Hunter, I’ll let you in on a little secret: [whispers] James Jones is Aaron Rodgers’s fourth option.

Finally, in a blast from the recent past, the Fire’s frat boy revealed he cracked his iPhone one night while on a drunken sophomore year stumble at UVA. Now, for most college students, breaking an expensive piece of technology like an iPhone means eating Ramen noodles for months. But for Hunter, I’m sure this wasn’t an issue. Mommy and Daddy must have driven the Range Rover over to the Plano Apple store and overnighted a new one posthaste.

A profound thought: As the son of 1%ers, perhaps Jumper’s #99 is a cruel, ironic jab at the rest of us plebs. Fire kit man Charles Raycroft really needs to consider this possibility.


On The Fire welcomes Bolingbrook’s finest into the fold!

#27 Victor Pineda has come out of nowhere to hit the tweetosphere with a vengeance! Unfortunately, some dude mistakenly advised young Victor to profess allegiance to Plainfield and not Bolingbrook. Not. a. good. idea. Here’s a history lesson/reality check: Just three short decades ago, Plainfield was known for its Ku Klux Klan activity. Nice.

On a lighter note, Victor loves to re-tweet the fake Drake twitter account. Profound quotes like “Don’t tell me you miss me, do something about it,” and “If you really love someone, even if there was a million reasons to leave, you would still look for the one reason to stay,” really get the Fire homegrown product in a sharing mood. The young midfielder has also taken to listening to songs and commenting on them without revealing the title of the song he’s listening to. But hey, he’s a teenager, and adolescents must be handled with care. After all, their brains haven’t yet fully developed.


Corben Bone in da house! What What WHAAAAT?!

#19 Corben Bone is besties with @PaladiniXI. This is a good sign. The birthday boy (24) re-tweets Ernest Hemingway quotes. Another good sign. Corben is a Cincinnati Bungholes fan. Not a good sign. Bone listens to Alabama Shakes. This is a good sign. Three outta four ain’t bad kid. Welcome to the Funhouse!


Jay Nolly gives On The Fire its jollies!

#1 Jay Nolly is a devotee of renaissance man Dan Gargan’s clothing line. Those are some snazzy duds. But On The Fire wants to know: Can a third-string goalie truly afford to look so good? Those must be promo clothes.


On The Fire is extremely pleased to welcome new Fire Man brother Wells Thompson into the fold! YESSSS!

A tip for all of you good Christians out there: If you don’t have time to read the Bible, just get yourself a Twitter machine and follow #15 Wells Thompson. You’re welcome.


On The Fire bids a late, but great, farewell to former Fireman Marco Pappa! Buena suerte and enjoy your Pee-Wee Herman bike.


Congratulations dear reader! You’ve unlocked the special bonus feature! Your love of fluff has no limit! So please join us and give a raucous welcome to Fire Men in the Tweetosphere’s special guest star – courtesy of our good buddy and fan of the sh*t show Ruben Tisch –  @DadBoner!

@DadBoner, aka Karl Welzein is busy working on a screenplay for his sequel to one of the greatest American films of all time: Roadhouse. But when he’s not busy conceiving elaborate mullet-ridden white trash bar fight scenes or kung-fu romantic interludes in the back of pick-up trucks, Karl likes to chill hard at Starbucks with a sixer of Sam Adams. And while that rendezvous bought him a one-way ticket to the parking lot, Karl’s mission to kick it was undeterred. Ever the truth teller, Welzein kept it real. “Starbucks wants to act like they’re a library. So if I wanna drink booze in there and whizz on the toilet seat, that’s my American right.” Amen brother. Amen.

Now, one thing Welzein learned this weekend was that an Arby’s lunch combined with a mid-afternoon espresso shot is a dangerous proposition. “Man, the combo of Arb’s lunch and just THINKIN’ ’bout Starbucks makes my backdoor wanna explode with the heat of a thousand suns, you guys.”

But to calm the storm inside, Karl wisely employed an herbal remedy – courtesy of a friend of a friend named Cooter. “If it’s just ‘weed’, not ‘drugs’, you can’t die from it, right? Arms don’t feel like arms, you guys.” Exactly.

And then, euphoria kicked in. “I’M THE BEST IN THE WORLD, YOU GUYS. So money. So badass. Feel like I could bench press a thousand tractors.” Indeed.

Weekends for @DadBoner = #EpicGoodTimes


With the fourth edition now in the bag, On The Fire HQ has decided to play to its lowest common denominator and continue to publish “Fire Men in the Tweetosphere”. And the boardroom is convinced that the best way to propagate this rag is to get our partners in crime (loyal readers) involved!

We think that this “special guest star” bit has legs. Who would you like to see in the guest star spot for the next (5th) edition of “Fire Men in the Tweetosphere”? There are no limits! But be advised: by virtue of your choice, you may ask us to take the piss out of someone, so please use discretion.

On second thought, nah. It’s open season! Choose anyone you want!

So, if you want to choose Fire Men in the Tweetosphere’s next guest star, be the first person to tweet a link to “Fire Men in the Tweetosphere: #4 on the Floor” to your beloved followers. On The Fire will later contact (and congratulate?) you and ask for your selection, which you’ll make within 24 hours. If you don’t get back to us in one day, we’ll go to the fan with the second fastest twitterfinger.

So what are you waiting for? Spread this fine piece of investigative journalism far and wide!

 Player photo sources:

Pappa bike photo:

Other link sources: wherever the hell the URL says they’re from

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